SNOOP DOGG: I LOVE KIZZLE UP APIZZLE

Spliffed out rapper Snoop Dogg has revealed the latest in a long line of unlikely bits of British culture he loves - cult 90s sitcom Keeping Up Appearances!

"Oh fo sho, Hyacinth was my homey", he drawled. "She was totally ghetto. And she was hot too...I wish she'd rubbed those white gloves over me, checking for dust and shizzle."

Snoop also loved Richard. "Yeah, that bad ass was my homey too", he chuckled, "brother was always getting it in the neck - "Richard! Richard!", but he straight manned up, did what the fuck he wanted".

"But Onslow was my favourite...that brother was a gangster fo shizzle. That ni**a brought the wifebeater vest to the West Coast! Before him, no one was rocking that look in the ghetto". On hearing that actor Geoffrey Hughes, who played Onslow is sadly fighting cancer, Snoop paused for prayer.

But Snoop reveals one character he isn't so keen on. "Who does that Vicar ni**a think he is? All looking down his nose at Hyacinth and her candle lit suppers? She made a real effort with that shizzle man, that's just disrespectful!"

"It's not her fault her mad poppa would always show up with his pants on his head, thinking he was still in the war".

NOTTING HILL CARNIVORE

"I love steak!"

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH BEING PUT IN A BIN?

By "Singing Binman" Andy Abraham, from X Factor 2

What the hell's 'bin' going on? Why has everyone got it in for poor Mary Bale? They shouldn't be hounding this poor woman, they should be giving her a knighthood! Arise Dame Mary Bale, for services to bins! And cats!

So she put a cat in a bin - what's the problem? Sounds like a treat to me! Who wouldn't love to be shoved inside one of those big plastic boxes of desire, thrashing around surrounded by waste and maybe even excrement? 15 hours isn't long enough!

It makes me feel VERY excited just thinking about it...stroke my back, pick me up and BAM! In I go! Yes please!!!!

I've come

More Andy: http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/05/ive-bin-robbed.html

HARRY CHAPIN ROBBED!

"I came downstairs and the cat was not where I expected it to be, in the cradle.

I'm not sure where it could have gone, but I did see a middle aged lady with glasses and grey hair lurking around.

At least little boy blue and the man in the moon are safe"

IS MARY BALE THE NEW RAOUL MOAT?

No. Don't be stupid.

DISABLED? HARDLY! FULL TIME PAEDO CAUGHT CLAIMING BENEFITS

Disability cheat was at it 24/7

A man who claimed disability benefits while regularly looking shifty, having piggy eyes and glasses and looking at pictures of kids, has been jailed for 18 months.

Mike Samson, 47 , claimed more than £22,000 over a five-year period.

He told officials he had a back problem which meant he could hardly walk. But investigators from the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) filmed him hanging around a beach snapping kids, and lurking outside a children-only play park.

Sheffield Crown Court heard how Samson began claiming disability allowance in October 1989.
However Howard Shaw, prosecuting, said that by 2002 his condition had improved and he began downlaoding child porn on his laptop.

Following an anonymous tip-off investigators began a month-long surveillance operation during which they saw no visible signs of Samson's alleged disability.

During this time he was seen carrying laptops and looking a bit wrong. Witnesses also told the DWP that Samson was following kids and leering at the Don Valley Stadium gym.

Judge Robert Moore QC sentenced Samson to 12 months for benefit fraud. Vernon Sanderson of the DWP said: "Today's sentence says to those people who think they'll never be caught, and there are no consequences to what they do, 'you're wrong'."

CAT BIN WOMAN: "I'M JUST A FAN OF TOP CAT"

"...I thought that that was where they lived"

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3107733/Cruel-woman-dumps-cat-in-bin.html

TEXTBOOK SUICIDE

"Goodbye cruel world. I'm jumping"

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11050587

"TOWNSHEND'S DEFENCE" USED BY BRIT IN PORTUGAL

"I believe him!"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1305307/Briton-arrested-Algarve-child-beach-photos-My-pictures-research.html

RAOULIPINO: MANILA COP FORMS MOAT TRIBUTE ACT

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/World-News/Philippines-Gunman-Hijacks-Tourist-Bus-In-Manila-Packed-With-Children-And-Adults-Gunshots-Heard/Article/201008415702444?f=rss

ANOTONY COSTA CHANGES NAME TO BREAK AMERICA

"Call me Antony Starbucks"

PICTURE OF PHIL JUPITUS CAUSES HYSTERIA AMONG TEENAGE GIRLS

MURS: I'VE HAD SEX WITH MORE PEOPLE THAN NICK CLEGG

"Don't lie, virgin!"

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/x_factor/3102208/We-talk-to-Olly-Murs-in-build-up-to-new-X-Factor-series.html

A LEVELS DAY: SINGLE BOY ALLOWED TO OPEN RESULTS ON BEHALF OF ENTIRE MALE POPULATION

"We got 9 million As, 6 million Bs and 8 million Cs"

Elsewhere, business as usual...

TINY FACED RAOUL MOAT

With thanks to http://twitter.com/TummyCustard

MOAT ASH DRAMA

People in Rothbury have spoken of their anger and disappointment after the ashes of Raoul Moat were scattered by his family in a river near the town, not realising that a dramatic eleventh hour switch had spared their blushes.

The former nightclub bouncer went on the run after shooting his former girlfriend, her new partner - who died - and a police officer. Moat, 37, shot himself in Rothbury, Northumberland, on 10 July after a six-hour stand-off with police.

Thinking his ashes were just a few miles away, local people said the town's hopes for recovery had been set back yet again, but actually, Moat's ashes had been flushed down a toilet hours earlier, saving them the risk of a lone fleck of his dead DNA floating into their eyes or mouths as they strolled in a beauty spot.

Moat's family believed they were scattering Moat's ashes in the River Coquet upstream from Rothbury, but it was actually just some cigarette ash collected outside a local pub, and substituted in the urn by a quick thinking local paedophile who saw the unattended urn left outside a toilet while the owner had a pee. "I was only there to look for kids, but I did my civic duty", he leered.

An urn and photograph believed to have been left at the spot where Moat shot himself were later removed. Chairman of Rothbury Parish Council Peter Dawson said people were "very angry and very disappointed". Then, being told of the switch, he laughed. "Well, that's fine then", he chortled.

CLASSIC FAILED COVER UP

DISTRESSED JEANS

"I've been attacked!"

GET WELL SOON, MICHAEL DOUGLAS

http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2010/08/17/michael-douglas-to-undergo-treatment-for-cancer-115875-22493007/

KATIE PRICE: "I'M AN EXTREMIST IN BED"

Bin Laden: "Wouldn't, even if I was stuck in this cave for another 10 years"

Pandre: "I'm not happy, mate. I don't want extremists anywhere near my kids, boo hoo"

Reid: "What's an extremist? I'll fight Bin Laden...I'm a cave fighter"

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a262425/price-im-like-an-ugly-fat-woman-in-bed.html

THAT EXPLAINS THE T SHIRT

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/health/health/3096922/Miracle-of-the-boy-with-half-a-brain.html

Why can't I own a Canadian?

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man,
and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of
debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there
'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room
here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go
to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

Author unknown

Killing time at Home

My favourite short animation for a long time now, it has a concise dark subject with great timing visuals and music!

PETER ANDRE BREAKS DOWN IN COCKTAIL BAR

"Harvey Wallbanger? HARVEY WALLBANGER?

Of course he bangs into walls you insensitive bastard, he's blind!"

MITCH IS SICK!

He accidentally drank some of his "special champagne" to celebrate his "lottery win"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1302720/Amy-Winehouse-takes-chicken-soup-father-Mitch-hospital.html

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/805881/Cabbie-rapist-Drugs-and-attacks-5-women-Bogus-lottery-winner.html

HI, I'M MARTIN FREEMAN, AND I'M AN ACTOR

This is me normally

This is me playing angry

This is me playing amused

This is me playing sad

JUSTIN: I WANT TO BE THE MEAT IN A MUGABE / YENTOB MANWICH

"I want both"

JUSTIN BIEBER is not one to set his sights low despite his small stature

He's looking for an older manfriend and says his perfect guy would be a ROBERT MUGABE and ALAN YENTOB cross.

But since they are both too old for him, the bolshy Biebster wants to take both Robert and Alan out for dinner so he can tap them up for some dating advice. You've got to admire his front.

Justin said: "Robert Mugabe and Alan Yentob are two of the hottest guys in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of guys I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Robert and Alan - a mixture of the two would be hot. Maybe they could coach me and tell me how to work out which ones are the good ones. That would be pretty awesome”.

"I would like to invite the two of them out for dinner so they can tell me the best way to win a man like them."

Talented

Justin admits he has started looking for an older man now. I'm sure there will be no shortage of candidates for the 16-year-old. He explained: "I am happy being single but that doesn't mean I'm not seriously looking. The problem is when I meet a middle aged man, I don't know if he likes me or if he likes the lifestyle”.

"Also, the really hot guys go around acting like they know they are hot. It's rare to find a guy who is both hot and really cool, but I know they do exist."

Even though Justin concedes he can't date his two potential agony uncles, he would still like to record with Alan and Robert - and also with ROBBIE WILLIAMS.

Justin added: "I want to meet Robert and Alan in a professional capacity too, not just because they are hot but because they are super talented.”

TOWNSHEND: SLOW DOWN PETE, DO YOUR RESEARCH

"I read about you writing some new children's books on Digital Spy...can't help thinking your rushing into things a bit. Have you done your research? How much? Not 7 years worth, I'll bet. Remember how long you "worked in the studio" on your comeback album? That was more like it. You can't rush these things, got to be thorough.

However, if you do insist on getting it out there fast, and do a reading to some littl'uns...can i come along?"

SEAN CONNERY: I LEARNT EVERYTHING I KNOW HERE