NADAL GIVEN GREAT BLOW JOB IN PRESS CONFERENCE

"OOH!"

SNEAK PREVIEW: MITCH WINEHOUSE'S JAZZ TRIBUTE TO AMY

"A shooby dooby dooby doo wah, doo wah,

My shooby dooby daughter is dooby dooby dooby doo-dead, doo dead"

More Mitch fun in Dark beige Radio Podcast 28, out next week

WILL SMITH: I WARNED YOU ABOUT HARDCORE DANCE

Back in 92 in my seminal hit, Summertime, I warned you all that "all that hardcore dance has gotten to be a little bit out of control", but you just didn't listen, did you?

19 years later, and it looks like I was right after all.

As the world dances at "raves" to fast digital beats, just look what's happening out there...

The economy in freefall...

Norwegians going nuts...

Singers tragically dying...

Riots in the streets...

And my wife (maybe) boning Marc Anthony.

This would never have happened if you'd all stuck to some slow summer grooves

Remember kids - "it's cool to dance, but what about the groove that soothes that moves romance?"

PUT YOUR HANDS UP IF YOU LOVE SMOKING

"I DO!!!!"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2011000/Dragons-Den-star-Duncan-Bannatyne-gets-personal-woes-charity-parachute-jump.html

PETER ANDRE SELLS HIS KIDS ON QVC

"I love them, mate...yours for £3.99...I'll throw in Harvey and call it a fiver"

PETE TOWNSHEND LAUNCHES WHERE'S MADDIE? BOOK

MIRACLES CAN HAPPEN

Townshend to finally release his book

BANNATYNE: I LIKE THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH

"I am a God and I do hate fags...smokers are all phaedophiles"

RAOUL: I'VE GOT A NEW GIRLFRIEND, MON

"And no copper better look at her"

AVRIL FOOLS DAY

"He wasn't a skater boy! She didn't say see you later boy! It was all a joke, ha ha"

THE PORTRAIT OF JACK TWEED

"When I look into this mirror I see a really shit drawing of Jade's ghost"

TWEED: I WASN'T BEING DISRESPECTFUL

"When I thought about brave Jade, I was awash with grief...so I thought I'd have a wash in this handy hot tub"

NOT AWIGHT

Barrymore's latest comeback attempt sinks like a Lubbock.

GEORGE MICHAEL ASKS FANS TO HELP HIM DO A POO ON TWITTER

Come on! I'm sure together we can all get this to number two!

CONNERY: I DON'T LIKE THE CHARLIE SHEEN THESE DAYS

"I haven't taken cocaine in years"

CONVICTED PAEDOPHILE APOLOGISES FOR 'GIGANTIC ERROR OF JUDGEMENT' IN LENDING FERGIE £15,000

"This is deeply embarrassing...What was I thinking?"

THAT'S IT - I'M RETIRING

I'm a special performer


By Phil Collins

Don't even try to stop me. It's too late. I'm retiring. I'm just too old to matter anymore.

What's that you say?

"Please Phil, don't go - we still need you. We love you"?

Oh, you were just coughing.

Fuck you.

I'm off. This is it.

Bye then.

I'm off.

See you later.

I'm retiring.

CHARLIE SHEEN REMIX

EMILIO ESTEVEZ: I'M ADDICTED TO LOSING

THE SHEEN EFFECT: SALES OF F18'S SOAR

Everyone wants to be one, bro