ITS WAR! BROWN AND CAMERON STEP UP ELECTION CAMPAIGN

Now rival leaders use any media platform available to attack each other!


Cameron drew first blood talking in Practical Poultry magazine, calling Brown a "chicken" and saying his fiscal policies were "fowl".

Brown hit back in Narrow Gauge World and Modelling, saying the Tory leader couldn't "gauge" how unpopular he really was, and saying it was "full steam ahead" for election victory.

But Cameron was unabowed, telling the Funeral Service Times that Labour were "the recently deceased", full of "unins-PYRE-ing" policies.

An angry Brown told Data Centre Management that Cameron "doesn't even know how to use Excel", calling him a "classic data mismanager".

Cameron then told Improve Your Coarse Fishing "Brown couldn't catch a fucking pike in a bathtub", cheekily adding "they did say this was coarse fishing!"

But Brown said in the Teddy Bear Times that he was "just a big soft teddy bear, a teddy bear that cares about this country".

2 CROSS EYED MEN TRY TO SHAKE HANDS

SARAH BROWN VISITS AFGHANISTAN FOR NO REASON

"My husband is such a wonderful man"

KILLER KILLER WHALE SHAMU HOLDING TALKS WITH ITV ABOUT STARRING IN NEXT I'M A CELEB?

No

AQUARIUMS: THE REVENGE

Here: http://www.popcrunch.com/shamu-kills-trainer/

And here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/feb/25/dubai-aquarium-evacuated-after-leak

"GIVE ME YOUR LUNCH MONEY, YOU GREY GAY"

GORDON SMART'S PHILOSOPHY CORNER

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, are Kasabian still the best band in the world?

Yes

CONNERY: I'D HIT ASHLEY FOR CHEATING ON CHERYL

Presumably that's what he meant when he said "Cheryl? I'd shmack that Ash"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8531260.stm

ISN'T IT IRONIC?

The Japanese just love comedian Russell Brand's hellraising ways.

And yet, they still call him "Russell Bland".

TIGER: I'M GRRREATLY SORRY

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2860662/Tiger-Woods-to-say-sorry-to-the-world.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

PALIN: FAMILY GUY CRITICISM OF MY SON GETS ME DOWNS

BABS WINDSOR HITS THE BRITS!

I'M FOOKIN' NORTHERN

That's why I live in a coalmiiiiiiiiiine. Sorry, I meant Primrose Hill.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/music-news/7259140/Brit-Awards-2010-Liam-Gallagher-hits-back-at-Peter-Kay.html

SIMPLE JACK

I got hammered in my cell last night! Literally, I was drinking with Levi Bellfield.

THE OTHER SPORTING TIGER, "TIGER" TIM HENMAN: YOU CAN RELY ON ME TO NOT HAVE SEX WITH 12 BRASSY WOMEN

"I asked, but they said no"

FOOTBALL ROCKED BY NEW TEXT SCANDAL

WHO'S BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY?

Now Michael Owen's at it!



With England still reeling from sex scandals involving John Terry and Ashley Cole, with a rumoured third scandal regarding Rio Ferdinand waiting in the wings, the FA are hoping they can draw a line under a tawdry fortnight and move on and prepare for the world cup.



But bosses will be shocked by the latest sordid revelation regarding Michael Owen...and his own mum! Talking via PR guru Max Clifford, Janet revealed that Michael has been regularly sending her texts for YEARS...behind his wife's back.

Many England fans will be saddened that the one man who it seemed you could rely on to never do anything of any interest whatsoever, a man who would lose to a supermarket receipt in a personality contest, has also let them down. Janet reveals: "It started fairly innocently at first, stuff like "what's for tea?" and "can you wash my shorts?", but soon it was getting a lot wilder, things like "I want a Ribena" and "I lost £100 on a horse". He'd send naughty pics too, stuff like him walking his dog or drinking Ribena. Naturally I was pretty shocked, but I played along because I was so excited he was famous. I wish now that I hadn't." Owen was today too dull to comment.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? WITH ASHLEY COLE

The forgetful football star explains away some key moments in history





9/11 - I don't understand why people get so upset about it. It was just all a big misunderstanding. It was just that Bin Laden was larking around and took some pictures of the twin towers in all their glory, and then forgot about it, and lent his phone to his mate. Soon, his mate was pretending to be him, texting jihadists in the middle east, teasing them with the footage. Bin Laden would be laughing if his foot didn't hurt so much.



Princess Diana's death

Diana didn't die in that tunnel. She wasn't chased by the paparazzi and it wasn't a conspiracy by the British government. What happened was Diana took some photos of herself driving her car, and she accidentally forgot to delete them. Then she gave that phone to Dodi Al Fayed and when he saw her naked body, he crashed the car in shock (?). It was tragic.



The Soham Murders

Ian Huntley so didn't do it. I'd be laughing if my foot didn't hurt so much. What it was is that he took some pictures of Holly and Jessica on his phone (where is this going?- Ed), and then he forgot about them. He sold the phone to Maxine Carr and when she saw the pics she got the wrong end of the stick and was angry. Then they drowned in the bath because he was too busy explaining the embarassing situation away to notice them there (?)

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2850694/X-rated-Ashley-Cole-photos-sent-to-topless-model.html

STEPHEN FRY GIVEN GRADE 1 LISTED STATUS

Much loved national treasure Stephen Fry has finally been granted Grade 1 listed staus by English heritage. This means that the tall twitterholic star has been deemed of special architectural, historical or cultural significance.


Mr Fry may not be demolished, extended or altered without special permission from the local planning authority. He can't even lose any more weight. Witty Stephen is compelled to repair and maintain himself and can face criminal prosecution if he fails to adequately do so or if he performs unauthorised alterations such as a snazzy new haircut or a garish coat, not in keeping with his general "Oxford Professor" look. If alterations are permitted, Fry is compelled to use specific (and potentially expensive) materials or techniques. For this reason, the law allows Fry to object to his listing, but the raconteur was too busy snuggling up to an iPad to care.

Read more: Stephen Fry - The Game

LEE MCQUEEN DIES!

No, not that one. This one: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2010/02/11/GA2010021102932.html

THE PAEDO'S PRINCESS

http://www.metro.co.uk/showbiz/812648-katie-price-faces-peter-andres-fury-over-daughters-facebook-snap

BRITAIN IN DANGER OF FLOODING IF PETER ANDRE DOESN'T STOP CRYING

"I'm fine mate, really...oh, look at that little dog, it looks a bit like Princess...'blub'"

ROSEBOY ON TWITTER

Remember that slightly scary 12 year old boy who offered Megan Fox a rose? He's on Twitter (genuinely, not a fake).

And he's nuts...

"I GOT A PHOTO WITH KIERA KNIGHTLY!! "

http://twitter.com/hkindlon

BORED ARMY OF ANDY MURRAY FANS SWITCH ALLEGIANCE TO DR CONRAD MURRAY

OUT

IN

"Come on Conrad! You can do it!....But we're sure you didn't do it!"

http://www.postzambia.com/post-read_article.php?articleId=5624

I'M RAY MANZAREK AND THE DOORS WAS MY IDEA

SIMPLE JACK

I'm Jack Tweed and Windows 7 wasn't my idea

2050: MICHAEL CERA STILL PLAYING AN EFFEMINATE 16 YEAR OLD BOY

ENGLAND UNVEIL NEW CAPTAIN THAT EVERYONE'S HAPPY WITH

BUNTY IN HIS PRIME

After the tawdry scandal that has seen John Terry stripped of his captaincy, many in Britain are demanding that his replacement be totally morally upright and 100% blemish-free. Rio Ferdinand was penalised for forgetting a drugs test, Davod Beckham had sex with Rebecca Loos, Steven Gerard was caught up in an ugly assault and Ashley Cole is a bit of a nob, so who can it be?

The FA today unveiled their replacement - 1950s English football star Roy "Bunty" McMahon, a fine upstanding chap who played for just three bob a week, washed his own kit and thinks a WAG is a fellow whose a bit crude with his jokes, and a roast is something your mum gives you on Sunday.

BUNTY TODAY

Some have questioned the wisdom of giving McMahon, now in his 90s, the role of captain, but the Daily Mail at least are happy - "It's actually NOT political correctness gone mad", a spokesman said.

IT'S A MIRACLE! PETER ANDRE STOPS CRYING

But just for a minute, mate, then someone mentioned kids...

SIMPLE JACK

This is my favourite movie. Hope it comes true!

NOW DAVID CAMERON AIMS FOR GORDON SMART'S VOTE

TORIES MAKE CROWD PLEASING PLEDGE

GORDON'S BIZARRE CORNER

I'm the unofficial 5th member of Kasabian. It's Tom on vocals, Serge on guitars, Chris on keyboards, Ash on drums & me, Goggsyman, on vibes ;)

HAITI: EVERYTHING IS FINE NOW, HONEST

Two weeks ago

Haiti has sensationally claimed that the humanitarian disaster that has ripped the troubled island apart following the tragic earthquake three weeks ago is now TOTALLY OVER.

Now

Spokesman Jean Walle said: "We are fine, totally fine. Please, there is really no need to sing anymore songs for us and certainly no need whatsoever for Sting or someone like that to visit.

Honestly"